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SaraB · Oct 28, 2020 10:09 PM

This is going to be looking, so I apologize in advance. I'm using this as a personal therapist because I don't have one lol.

My mom and I haven't talked for weeks now. Normally this wouldn't bother me, because I'm pretty introverted and go long periods without talking to even my best friends. But my mom usually video calls at least once a week so I know it's because she's giving me the silent treatment.

On our last call, she asked to meet up with us at a local attraction so she could see me and my son. I told her no, both my son and myself have asthma that gets very bad when we get so much as a mild cold (my son had to be flown by plane to a children's hospital due to this before). So we are both high risk for COVID complications.

I could tell she was going to lay on the guilt trip so i told her upfront that I don't want to discuss this, we've talked about it before, and my answer is the same. We are not visiting anyone, period. She got mad and pointed out that I go to work and my son goes to daycare. I told her that I don't have a choice in that, and I am minimizing risks in all the ways I can. She went on to say how she misses my son so much and how I "couldn't understand". I went quiet for a few seconds because what am I even supposed to say? Then she said we shouldn't talk anymore about it and hung up.

Honestly, I am so tired of what I see as manipulative games from her. I feel like every time I try to put up a boundary, she gets mad and acts like I'm doing it to hurt her personally. At the same time, I feel like this is a small argument and maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Regardless, we are at a standstill. I know shes waiting for me to contact her so she can pretend nothing happened. I don't feel like it, because I'm still mad and I don't think I'm in the wrong. But if i don't, i feel like this will go on for a very long time. She's not a person who will contact first or apologize...I cant remember her ever apologizing for anything ever. I'm just stuck and don't know what to do.

annismyrph · Oct 29, 2020 12:03 AM

She sounds a lot like my mom ; i get she wants to see your kid ; but if she is willing to VC with you why can't she vc with with your child? you are doing the right thing in trying to protect your child as best you can in these wierd scary times. my advice? Invite her to your house ; tell her she has to mask and glove the entire time she is with your child and take her shoes off outside your door.
that way she can't guild you into a playpark that could have a bazillion germs, she sees your child under your terms and you can control ( somewhat ) the situation. Warn her ; if she doesnt follow your rules in your house she has to leave and you will remove your child from the room.

Pagan · Oct 29, 2020 12:29 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I have just recently discovered Just No Mil on reddit. Maybe you should check it out? There are lots of similar stories and good advice.

Ammit · Oct 29, 2020 3:25 AM

A lot of folks are really struggling with the isolation. She may be having a difficult time right now and not able to express it well. I am not saying change your plans or that you did anything wrong, just that she may indeed be deeply hurt by your choice and may simply be just too hurt by this to talk to right now. Sometimes in life we have to make choices that prioritize our own needs even at the cost of our relationship to others. By sticking to your guns on this you may permanently damage your relationship with your mother. Only you can decide if that is that right call for your family.

LEAcres · Oct 29, 2020 4:57 AM

Holy cow, do we have the same mother?!
So here's my take on it...
My own daughter has asthma and was diagnosed with RSV at 4 months old and had to be air lifted from PA to the children's hospital in DC because her O2 levels were low 80s and she had pneumonia, all of which the PA hospital couldn't keep stabilize... Now, thankfully, my mom understands my reasons for keeping my daughter out of public as much as I can but my ex-husband does not and thinks she'll be fine.. I literally had to fight him tooth and nail to realize that I was standing my ground that she was not going trick or treating this year. I don't know if Covid is real or what but I'm not taking my chances with her, it's not going to kill her to miss one trick or treating.
Now back to the mother guilt tripping, if your mother is anything like my mother, I'll stand my ground when she is in the clear wrong and my mom will eventually call me and act like nothing happened.. the longest I've gone without talking to my mom was 4 months for her kicking me out of her car at 19 and 8 months pregnant with my oldest daughter in the middle of summer to walk home after she took my phone from me. 4 months later, she finally called and never once apologized or anything but I took it as a win because she broke first. :-??

paradoxphoenix · Oct 29, 2020 5:17 AM

Is this unusual behaviour or typical? If it’s unusual, the isolation may be getting to her like Ammit said.

If it’s typical... I’m sorry. It’s so hard to deal with relationships like that. :(

Regardless, you aren’t wrong. You set a boundary. People need to respect that boundary, no matter who they are. And no matter if they agree with you or not.

Give her space. If she wants to contact you, she will. When she does, maybe you can arrange a contactless get together, across a lawn or something, so she can at least see you and visit.

Nightphoenix · Oct 29, 2020 5:33 AM

I sort of understand. I also have asthma and it’s sometimes hard for people to understand why I can’t be around people unnecessarily. I’m just like, “Um, I know I’m a young woman, but pneumonia almost put me in the hospital last time I had it because I couldn’t breathe. I don’t want to find out what COVID-19 would do to me...”

And good for you for putting your son’s safety first! The most important job a parent has is to keep their child safe no matter what, so I applaud you! *applause*

Ammit · Oct 29, 2020 5:41 AM

Yup like paradox said. You have to judge based on the big picture of your relationship with her. Something we can't do.

I personally have breathing issues and they were REALLY bad early this year. We also chose to stay in isolation away from my mom for a few months. Something that was tough and really hard on our daughter. We no longer are isolated from her though we are from basically everyone else. This is what changed our minds. 1) My mom is very careful and respectful and deeply aware of the risks COVID faces. I trust her to tell me if she even has a mild sniffle and she has. 2) The death rates dropped, and things stabilized where I live lowering the risk. 3) My breathing is better than earlier this year. 4) They have found covid to not actually attacking the lungs and asthma not to be particular a risk factor. It attacks the blood vessels not the alveoli, which is the issue for asthma and most infection-based lung scarring.

The issue seems like it isn't really about COVID risk though and more about the strain of this situation bringing long-standing issues to a head.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 6:29 AM

Yeah, you're right Ammit, it is not really about the COVID thing. This is an ongoing issue I have and always have had with her. But it's hard for me to tell if I'm overreacting.

When I was pregnant i told her i only want my partner in the room, and we wanted a hour after the baby is born just to relax and have bonding time with him. She got upset and told me I was trying to keep her away from him and that I wanted him to grow up without a family. Then when I actually had him she just...stayed in the room. I was obviously busy and didn't really gaf at the moment, but looking back it pisses me off a little.

There's a whole lot of issues there but it boils down to the fact that i feel she is manipulative and passive aggressive and refuses to acknowledge that anything she does or says is a problem.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 6:52 AM

And I feel trapped. My options seem to be play her "game" and not talk to her, or reach out to try and have an adult discussion, which I am 100% sure will end the same since I haven't changed my mind.

She hasn't been isolating at all, and my son is 4 so a meetup without him climbing all over her is not going to happen.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 7:00 AM

Thanks for the responses everyone. I know it's impossible to get a comprehensive insight just based on my rant, but helps to be able to "talk" it through a bit.

Annismyrph, she does video chat with him as well. But he's 4 so his attention span to sit there and talk on video chat is limited. And I don't want her over because there is no way my son will be able to follow any sort of 6 ft rule.

annismyrph · Oct 29, 2020 7:04 AM

I absolutley agree with you and support your decisions with YOUR child ; you just need to stay strong anf let her know this is your line and you can't cross it ( not won't but CAN'T ) becuase the health and well being of your child is the most important thing in the world to you and as a mother she should understand that as well . If she can't see or understand that ; you might be better off giving her a " timeout"

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 10:26 AM

@Pagan, maybe I'll check it out...I'm not sure yet what I want from posting tbh

@Bambi207, sorry you deal with the same issues from your mom! It's so frustrating because I feel like it's just a seriously immature way to deal with problems. She's supposed to be my parent, not someone I'm having to cater to and tiptoe around emotionally.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 10:30 AM

@paradoxphoenix, it is typical, which is the real issue. An in person meetup with precautions won't really work for reasons stated above. Honestly, I'm not even sure I WANT things to work out. Because I know she won't change and it will happen again and again. If it were just me, I'd be done. But I would have major guilt over not letting my son be in contact with his grandma and not letting her be in contact with him.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 10:31 AM

@Nightphoenix

Thanks. I just feel like it's a lose-lose situation I guess. And I'm super over it but still having to deal with it anyways.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 10:34 AM

@annismyrph

I get that...I just feel like by doing a "timeout" I'm stopping to her level sort of. I always feel like I need to avoid that by being "the bigger person", but what that ends up being in reality is sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened. I just cant see a better way.

LEAcres · Oct 29, 2020 11:51 AM

@SaraB So true! My mom has always done things solely for herself and her image even still to this day.. but we need to do what's best for our babies and show them the things we didn't get.. I'll admit fully that it's sometimes hard for me to hug my daughters because of my past and the mental and physical abuse my mom put on me but I look at my girls and realize how amazing they and can't ever imagine putting them through what I did.. this is where we break the cycle!
Being the bigger person doesn't always mean letting them back into our lives when they do something wrong, but sometimes it means keeping them at Bay until they realize on their own what they did wrong and that we're adults, we're mothers, and we need to do what is in the best interest of our children... It sounds harsh but they are adults as well and throwing a tantrum isn't how you get what you want..

WitchwaterAcres · Oct 29, 2020 12:11 PM

My partner has a grandmother his family went no-contact with a while before he was born, because his mom and his dad's mom got into it so often and his grandmother actually threw things at his mom. When he was a kid, he talked them into letting her back into their lives because he thought it was dad his dad didn't see HIS mom, but I know my partner ruefully regrets that. His grandma is a narcissist and manipulative. He and I can't go to his family's Thanksgiving because she doesn't take any COVID precautions and my brother is immunocompromised.

All this to say, your son may not understand immediately why he doesn't see his grandma anymore, but age-appropriate conversations about boundaries and the ideas of consent could be really beneficial. Neither of you have consented to being around a strong potential threat to your health, and your mother seems to have a problem respecting boundaries. I think it would be admirable of you to make that stand for your son's future concept of respecting boundaries.

Going no-contact is a big step, but I feel like you'd be doing right by your son by at least limiting contact for the time being, whether that's just the next few months, or years, or indefinitely. Letting him see your mom manipulating you could affect his perception of what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like.

I feel for you. This is a hard choice to make, and she's making you the bad guy by putting the ball in your court, which is so manipulative.

HorseAngel · Oct 29, 2020 4:10 PM

Wow, I'm so sorry for the situation that you are in! The isolation can be pretty hard to deal with. Since I have a serious immune disorder and my mom has a few medical issues as well. I live with her because I'm disabled and we have been no outside contact for a long while now, taking all the precautions and definitely feel the stress it can cause. Its my sisters that I have to fight with actually because they have always loved to go out to movies and malls and things(there real divas lol) and are just so frustrated that they really can't do so much now for my and my moms sake. Were a big family and have all been going a little crazy with the stress! I'm not a mother and this probably didn't help you much but I definitely feel for you!

Stay safe, stick to your word and have a little hope! Covid won't (hopefully) last forever and you can pick up the rest of the problems from there and work on resolving them in the future! :)

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 7:50 PM

@OscarWildin yeah, I think its needed...it sucks though. I plan on moving states away in about a year so maybe things will be better with some more physical distance.

SaraB · Oct 29, 2020 7:53 PM

@HorseAngel

Thanks; it's so hard when family members have to make an already difficult situation even more stressful!

annismyrph · Oct 30, 2020 12:13 AM

@SaraB YES it will be better ; my mom was in NJ ; i moved 1.5 hrs away and that didnt stop her from showing up un announced at my house at 630 on Saturday mornings to visit with my son and rant at me becuase the lawn wasn't movwed or the sidewalk wasn't edged or the snow wasn't shoveled wide enough to get to her car or what ever reason she would come up with to rant -.- ; then we moved again ; People would ask me " why did we move to Virginia?" I would reply " Becuase my family lives in NJ" at least it stopped the 630am drop in and gave us some control over when acceptable visists were. Good Luck and know here at least your pixel family has your back :)

Ammit · Oct 30, 2020 3:14 AM

I also have another parent who is a manipulative child. I cut him entirely out of my life after he pulled his own dramatic stunt after the birth of my daughter. Seems to be a good number of us around with parent problems sadly. :(

Maribo · Oct 30, 2020 3:59 AM

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't have much advise, other than that I would not go back on this if she is not being careful. We don't have any underlaying conditions, and have hardly done anything out of the house since march.

I get the struggles with a parent though. I cut my mother out of my life 13 years ago, and have never regretted it. Her, my grandmother and older brother spent many years trying to guilt me into letting her back in, but they have finally relented. I gave her way to many chances to begin with, and I have never felt more free and loved than I do now. Thankfully I have many other family members who fully understand why I did it, and is happy that I had the strength to let her go.

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