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I'm at my whits end... I honestly feel like I'm losing every single being dearest to me...
In a year and a half span, I've lost; my grandmother September 2021, my uncle May 2022, my grandmother July 2022, my aunt December 2022, my heart cat and my soul April 2023 and now my grandfather yesterday... im also looking at having to lay my OTTB to rest because his body is failing him and he has cancer. I'm so utterly numb that I don't even know what to feel.

That being said, I'm finding people are getting upset at me for, well... feeling. Like I'm literally not allowed to feel sorrow.

I know I can't keep bottling my emotions up but it seems that people in my life expect me to just be peachy.

Because of all of this, I'm currently on the outs with my husband's family because I finally had enough and snapped over our living arrangements.
Long story short, they were living here rent free for the last 2 years and it came down to where WE were always giving THEM money (which left us in a financial bind) and it felt like we had to answer to them anytime we wanted to do things on our own property (even down to them telling me i had to get rid of my farm animals. My 22 year old Thoroughbred who ive had since he was 2 years old included). I bottled up all the feelings I had and just let it be but the more losses I experienced, the less tolerance I had for the situation and the feeling of being walked on for their benefit. Every time I spoke to my husband about the situation, he said he would talk to them but never did. I finally snapped, told them how I felt about everything (the losses, the living arrangement, the financial burden, etc.) his mom got in my face twice cussing me up and down the sidewalk and I told them they had 30 days to leave which ended in me getting blacklisted with my husband's family. My husband spoke to them a few days after and I was called some pretty obscene names.

I was suppose to go see a grief counselor with my aunt's wife who I am now taking a backpeddle from as she has recently befriended my aunt's abuser so now she's ticked off at me for not wanting anything to do with the situation because of the things I experienced while I was with my aunt and her abuser when i was a child.

Friends are irritated at me whenever I express how I feel like I'm losing everything I love and it offends them because I'm not thinking about THEM...

I don't know what to do anymore besides isolate myself...

I just needed someone besides my poor husband to listen. Even if I'm just rambling to myself... if anyone does read this all the way through... thank you!