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HayesStable · Dec 21, 2022 7:33 AM

This is gonna be a jumbled word vomit mess so if you read the whole thing, you deserve a gold sticky star.

Recently, I have been not ok. Mentally. It has just been getting worse. I am struggling and I don't know what to do. I have Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder and both have reached an all time high. I feel like a failure. I am more depressed than ever. The car I just bought with my literal life savings (life insurance loan) I now cant drive because it needs so many repairs that weren't prevalent when I paid for it. My boyfriend is the one repairing it AND footing the bill for all the parts. I just started a part time job that I used to have (closed due to covid in 2020 and just reopened under new ownership) but it's SUPER part time and I barely make anything. But its the only job I have ever loved and can actually work with out having a panic attack. I desperately need a full time job but I just cannot make it work. Even sitting down and LOOKING for one gives me mild anxiety attacks. But I literally only have $0.17 in my account and just yesterday I had a $3 google storage payment decline because of it. THREE FREAKING DOLLARS! Not to mention I still have to pay for my car insurance on a car I can't drive and my loan payment both due next week. Also, my boyfriend and I are in the process of moving into the house next door (currently living in a tiny little out building behind his dads house). Rent is going from $250 to $2000 as soon as we move in officially. Ideally I am supposed to be responsible for half rent. My boyfriend keeps telling me its fine, he can cover it for a while, everything will work out etc but it makes me feel worse. I now have to also pay $200/month to board my horse for a few months until we can get something set up at the new place. She was originally staying at my dads for no fee but the ground was just awful so she needed to move before it froze. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could find a remote/work from home job that didn't require any special skills or training because the only degree I have is in Equine Studies. No one around me seems to understand how hard I am trying. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really truly am :( I feel like I am just the biggest disappointment to everyone around me. I WANT to work. I WANT to have a job that I can sustain myself with and to help with our joint living expenses. I want to be able to pay for shows next year myself (if I don't get to do those shows next year, that will be my breaking point. It's all I have ever wanted). No one, especially my boyfriend's family, understands what it's like for me. His grandma on his dads side literally told me straight up "Oh well you need to get over that" when I said I have bad anxiety as a reason for struggling to find work. And on top of everything else, I have been dealing with some unexplained health issues that, of course, the doctors can't figure out, again, and I lose my medical insurance next month. I am just so lost and so desperate to be normal. I just don't know what to do anymore.

If you read all that, here is your gold sticky star:
(*)

Thank you for reading :x This community is one of the only ones I feel comfortable and safe in.

Wingedeagle · Dec 21, 2022 7:45 AM

I’m so sorry you are having a hard time. I don’t have any advice but know you are not alone and you are loved. Can I pray for you?

HayesStable · Dec 21, 2022 7:48 AM

@Wingedeagle Please do :x I would really appreciate it

WhiteValley · Dec 21, 2022 7:58 AM

I read all of it and I listened.

I have been where you are. Not exactly the same of course, and nobody can know what you are experiencing. I found myself feeling much as you are. I had a very small part time job but suffered anxiety almost all the time. I struggled for a very long time before getting some counselling, which helped me to understand why I was the way I was. It was not a quick fix, and I had to work hard at overcoming my fears. Even today, although I am so much better, there are times when I feel anxious. My husband supported me through this, even though he doesn't really understand mental health issues. Your boyfriend is your rock. He is there for you and it doesn't sound like he is judging you. Cling on to that. There is no such thing as 'normal'. We are all different, and it would be a very dull world if we were all the same. You are unique - embrace that. I also seemed to have a lot of health issues, but they were all part of my anxiety - the brain is a very powerful organ and can create all sorts of physical sensations. Sometimes it will be one step forward and two steps back, but don't despair. It is possible to improve - believe in yourself. If it's any comfort, I believe in you because you have chosen to share this with us. :)

annismyrph · Dec 21, 2022 7:58 AM

ok , I heard you ; and I can relate. Please remember to Breathe and give your self a little break, hopefully you felt a little bit better after the "verbal" vent. Given your diagnosis, I would assume you ve been to doctors for it. So here goes: go to Social Security or the equivalent and ask for Disability Insurance and Medicare / Medicaid. there are programs out there to help you; if its easier for you start the search online. you dont have to get out of the hole in one fell swoop, but 1 shovelful at a time ; slowly do what you can. Do something you feel good about everyday. just ONE thing. dont care if its brushing your teeth. One self care act every day until you feel better. I too will pray for you.

HayesStable · Dec 21, 2022 8:05 AM

Thank you all :x I really appreciate this community

Fiddler · Dec 21, 2022 8:08 AM

Ok, here's some weird advice. Your problem is that you are human. Think like a horse.
Your boyfriend is ok with it. Thank him and move on. What would a horse do? would it worry that it wasn't pulling its weight? no, it would appreciate what the BF is doing for you.
Try to be a horse. I wish you the best. I'm an anxious human too, but our animal friends have much to teach us. Thanks for the gold star!

BarnRaised · Dec 21, 2022 9:11 AM

I'm struggling with sorta the same issue, though not nearly as much I'm 19 and still living with my parents so it's a little easier for me. I had these big plans to be moved out by last year and have a stable job and be in college, I feel like I can't accomplish anything I'm supposed to be doing.

I just want you to know you are not alone we are here for you, I know we can't fix anything and this may not make you feel any better. Anxiety is such a hard thing to deal with and feeling/being depressed just adds so much pressure that nobody can understand if they haven't been there themselves. It is not something that you can just get over. Everyone experiences it differently, and so many people don't understand that. They don't understand the sleepless nights and the constant draining fear of merely existing. Take everything one step at a time, you are doing what you can and that's what matters. It's ok to be proud of yourself even if it just a part-time job, that's ok. You may not feel proud, you may feel worse and that's ok too. These feelings mean you are human, and though they are expanded by your fears, just know it is ok to feel this way. So many people do, including myself. If I'm being honest, reading this has made me feel just a little better knowing I'm not the only one who can relate to feeling anxiety from these pressures that seem so easy and normal to so many others. This is not something that can be forgotten so easily, it is always there, and it can be hard to fake being ok. It is taking me so long to "get over" (in other words hide) these feelings and I've just recently started going MILES out of my comfort zone and applied to some jobs I may not even like this week even though I felt such crushing fear I thought I might breakdown and cry. I know these small jobs don't have to be permanent I can leave if it's not the job for me, that's what I learned this past year. (Hiding isn't a permanent or good way to deal, it is something you should do occasionally in the moment if it's too much and go back to it later to work it out) It's exactly like you said, I want a job, I want my own money, my own ability to be stable. It's just hard sometimes and it's ok to feel like it's a lot. Breathe, and let it all out, have a calm cry if you need to. You just need to be able to pick yourself back up quickly after crying so you don't fall into a rut. That can be hard to do, and it's ok if that doesn't work for you. To relieve some pressure I will find something to occupy my mind. I hate it, but I'll pick a room and clean it, even if I don't clean it to perfection. That would be enough to allow me to feel productive, like I'm able to accomplish something. And even if it doesn't work to just take a moment to breathe, you would have given your body a good brief moment to untangle itself and loosen your muscles, even if it's just for a second.

You got this. I know it doesn't feel like you do, and I know I'm a stranger, but I have faith in you.

MackZ · Dec 21, 2022 9:19 AM

I'm so sorry for everything you've been going through. I don't know if you have a therapist helping you, but something my doctor suggested to help with my anxiety and depression, in addition to the medication I'm now on, is an app called "What's Up". It's a mental health app that's designed to give you some tools and a listening ear when you need it. It's especially nice when you can't afford a therapist.
For work, you might look into Cloud Engineer work. It's free to learn and pretty well paid. It's not equine related, unfortunately, but it might be worth looking into.
I hope things turn around for you!

Starstruck2 · Dec 21, 2022 6:49 PM

How are you with phone work? I work from home and we hire pretty often. We also hire for seasonal data entry positions but those generally start in May or June and are pretty temporary

WhiteValley · Dec 22, 2022 5:39 AM

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Dune - Frank Herbert

I don't know if you have ever read the book, and I don't know if the quote will help, but I do think the wording has merit.

BlessedByBrigid · Dec 22, 2022 9:15 AM

I hear you, and I have been in similar places in my life. Anxiety is rough and societal expectations are not very accommodating to those of us that experience it. It’s ok to experience these feelings, but be kind to yourself and don’t let these feelings consume you. Anxiety is usually a self protective function. it does no good to try to banish anxiety; but if you make friends with it and send love to the internal source of it so it can find peace and healing.

Remember that nobody is perfect. Everybody is hurt or broken. Don’t get so hung up judging yourself that you forget to love yourself.

It looks like you’ve been given lots of good advice here. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts your direction.

GoldenSpur · Dec 22, 2022 1:47 PM

You are so not alone!

I have anxiety about many things (going to get grocery's, going out for diner with friends and going to work) and have to seriously compartmentalised stuff just to get through my day. I don't have any advice as such but my doc gave me breathing exercises and there are times my husbands "hey, come on, get out of your own head" moments really help. Talk to your bf about how your feeling and it's ok to break down and get it out of your system too. I know everyone will have you in their prayers but don't forget to pray for yourself, get it all out and ask for help ;)

Try and be positive and you can always talk to us when you feel you need to. :)

MiaMoo · Dec 23, 2022 11:03 AM

I read all of that and I swear all I wish is that I could go give you a hug- it really sounds like you need one.

Whenever I start to feel anxious or depressed and I start to think about everything that's wrong in my life, everything that is wrong with me, and I just feel like the world is closing in on me and there's nothing I can do- just breathe. Take a deep breath. Think instead about all of the good things- it sounds like you have an amazing boyfriend who is caring and understanding- that's a huge blessing, you're not alone- you have a roof over your head, and a job, though it sounds like one that isn't paying too well. Instead of thinking about everything bad and all of the horrible things that might happen in life, focus on right now. In this exact moment, you're okay. I just want you to know that it's true- what you're going through is hard- SO hard. But it's going to be okay, things are going to get better, this is not the end. I'm praying for you through this challenging time- just remember, you're not alone, you're okay in this moment, there are so many blessings in your life, and this is not the end. Virtual hugs sent your way. >:D<

TimberRock · Dec 26, 2022 12:34 PM

Everyone is different so it isn't always easy to find what works for you.

My one sister got a job at 18 and the only reason she worked at that place was because another sister also got a job there. My anxious sister did morning food prep (cutting, weighing and those kinds of things) for a restaurant and never dealt with customers. At that time she couldn't. And the morning crew was pretty small. So she was able to handle that. Since then she has had jobs dealing with the public.

A completely different sister would become stressed and develop hives. Once she started making lists, it helped her. She had lists for the day, week, month and longer term lists.

Applying for jobs can be nerve wracking. Thankfully, now a days most people have an online system.

A friend of my niece didn't like people. So she worked as a vet tech for many years. She was mostly around animals and loved it. Obviously, there were some sad things about the job.

As for me, I have a chronic health condition (which by itself is stressful) and some external events caused me to have panic attacks multiple times a day. What helped me was doing yoga. Online in my own house. "Yoga with Adrienne'. And journalling.

And my husband, he has had some struggles and would have to redirect his thoughts to a more positive way of thinking. It was hard for him for a while. But now it's easier for him to do.

I don't know if that helped or not. If it didn't, ignore everything I typed. Sending hugs and healing prayers.

Pagan · Dec 26, 2022 5:53 PM

Sending hugs and gentle thoughts. Please don't ever hesitate to reach out.

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