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LEAcres · Dec 17, 2022 4:53 PM

I'm honestly feeling numb right now.. with covid turning the world upside down in 2020, losing my grandmother September 2021 from Pancreatic Cancer, losing or healing multiple goats throughout December 2021-current (one is in the sick barn as we speak.. we've lost a total of 5 goats in a year's span), my 21 year old Thoroughbred breaking his pelvis January 2022, losing my uncle May 29th 2022 from a heart attack while riding his motorcycle (the motorcycle is currently in my garage :'(), losing my grandmother 7 weeks to the day later June 10th 2022 due to congestive heart failure, my aunt being diagnosed with cancer September 2022, my grandfather being diagnosed with brain and lung cancer November-December 2022 and finding out my aunt's chemo treatments are now being stopped because it's not working... I am utterly broken... since September 2021, April is the only month we've gone through that nothing devastating has happened... On top of everything, I'm finding it harder and harder to be near or conversate with my mother because she doesn't see anyone else's pain but her own, my one aunt is testing my patience with my grandfather and telling us the doctors say one thing about his medications when in reality the opposite was said almost like she is trying to prevent him from being on any of the medications that are there to keep him comfortable... my aunt that has cancer hasn't been answering phone calls or texts nor does she want visitors for the last 3 months... yet throughout all of this, I have yet to be able to truly grieve through any of all of this... I spoke with a grievance counselor with my grandmother who passed in September last year but I've been the strong one for everyone else and all its gotten me was blacklisted on both sides because I'm not known for being subtle or quiet in my responses for unrelated things. For instance, my uncle was complaining saying "what's with all these women nowadays? They are all psycho" and my response of stop trying to find love in a bar through a bottle got me blacklisted with the whole family because I "hurt his feelings" all the while I was one of 4 consistent people at my uncle's house cleaning the property up to be sold and being the shoulder to cry on for anyone who needed it while I was drowning myself... I guess I'm just looking to vent right now... I really have no one else to talk to..

Just please hug your loved ones and tell them you love them...

Tzano · Dec 17, 2022 7:05 PM

Wow that is a lot for anyone in that short period of time. I hope you may find peace for yourself soon. ((Hugs)) for you in your time of need. We are here for you to vent, vent a way till you feel better. :x

Fiddler · Dec 17, 2022 7:26 PM

I hope you go back to the grief counselor. They really helped me when our family had a cluster of deaths including my husband of 35 years followed immediately by my mother, etc, etc, etc

HelenofTroy · Dec 17, 2022 8:24 PM

Nothing but ((Hugs)) here.

WhiteValley · Dec 18, 2022 2:52 AM

There are no words that will help you through this, but feel free to use this 'safe space' to vent. Your Haj Family are here for you. In RL do you have a friend you can talk to? I have one really good friend that I can talk to about anything, and she can talk to me. If you have anyone at all, who is not family, who will just listen to you, that might help a bit. :)

Mensie · Dec 18, 2022 3:10 AM

That is a lot for any one person to go through in such a short period of time. It is no wonder you are struggling. I hope you found a bit of relief in writing it down. I'll echo the others who said that many of us at HAJ will always be here to listen and offer support, so vent away.

RedtailFoxFarm · Dec 18, 2022 5:44 AM

I had an Uncle commit suicide about a year ago, and my grandfather has rapidly worsening dementia, so I can understand a fraction of what you're going through. Back in 2020, I lost 2 cats and a dog, each only a couple months apart. They were old, so it was anticipated, but that doesn't make it any easier. I also lost a horse in a freak incident recently. I get how rough it can be to nurse animals through their worse days and still lose them. There is no preparing yourself for grief and how it can change your day-to-day life. Unfortunately, there are no words that can magically make it all better. Only time will ease the pain. You'll have bad days, but you'll also have better days. Focus on each day by itself, as each one is sure to be its own battle. Rant away. It's a way to acknowledge your pain, and we're not here to judge, only to support you. Therapy and counseling is a wonderful idea to help you through this, and will give you a safe space to talk about this mess that life has thrown at you. You don't always have to be the strong one. While it's great to be there for your family while they also grieve the losses, it doesn't seem like it's been healthy for you. If your family is going to blacklist you over inconsequential incidences, just go ahead and use that time and space they're giving you (not in a good way, but family can be difficult) to focus on yourself and continue your own grieving process. I hope the days get easier for you. I find that hugging animals (especially horses and dogs) is helpful if you just want to cry with some silent support. Sending lots of hugs and support your way :x

annismyrph · Dec 18, 2022 5:46 AM

Please remember to Breathe and its OK for you to be "selfish" and back away for a hot minute, take a beat for yourself, remember we are all here for you ; I agree with Fiddler ; if you can, return to the grief counselor. its OK to cry. its OK to lock yourself in your car and Scream. its OK to drive somewhere no one knows you and just find a few minutes of peace. It ISNT ok for your family to blame you and be angry with you. If you need to remove yourself from that even if only for a week its OK. you need to take care of You and the people in your household, but You first, becuase if you don't take care of you, you Can't take care of others

LEAcres · Dec 18, 2022 8:20 AM

Thank you guys... it did help get me to sleep last night being able to type it out and get it off my chest... I did a good bit of ugly crying while doing so (imagine a toddler in the middle of a tantrum with snot running down their face lol). I do have one really good friend who I've known for almost the last 30 years (we became friends in Kindergarten, had a large falling out in middle school and came back together about 10 years ago).. the unfortunate part about telling her everything I'm feeling is she won't he quiet if she's in the general area of whoever hurt me. She's even more blunt about things than I am and she's not afraid to fight.

To add insult to injury, my husband was involved in a hit and run incident this morning on his way home from work... thankfully he has dash cameras on the front and back of his car and he left his car running so we were able to capture the accident, both occupants faces and the vehicle they both got into and took off in. Messed up thing about this is the car (a Tesla) came back as a rental.. it might work out since it is a high profile car but it might not as they may not have been the authorized drivers of the vehicle but with my husband getting a photo of the license plate of the get away car and getting a video of their faces, we might be able to get somewhere with this. The Tesla is totaled so I feel bad for the rental company but I am so glad my husband came home without a scratch and his car is still drivable.

Also, my condolences for everyone's losses! My heart goes out to you all as well! ((Tight Hugs))

LEAcres · Dec 25, 2022 5:14 PM

Update :

Hospice came in for the first time this morning for my aunt.. they are saying she is in her transition phase and we are looking at days.. if that.
She finally said she wanted to see everyone today.. I decided to go first thing in the morning so she can rest some tonight after being overwhelmed by everyone today and I can have more one on one time with her... I've been a blubbering mess all day :((

Also found out my grandfather had a other seizure last night :(

LEAcres · Dec 26, 2022 6:00 AM

Update :

My aunt is gone... :((

Ammit · Dec 26, 2022 6:38 AM

So sorry for your loss. I hope her passing was as peaceful as possible.

annismyrph · Dec 26, 2022 6:47 AM

AAAAAAwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Khaos ; I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope she passed in her sleep and you got to have that 1 final visit. If not, I am sure she knew how much she mattered to you.

TimberRock · Dec 26, 2022 12:08 PM

Hugs. I'm sorry for all your losses. That is a lot to go through in a short time.

Pagan · Dec 26, 2022 5:57 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a dark time. We are here for you.

Fiddler · Dec 26, 2022 6:52 PM

I'm so sorry to hear

OrionsStables · Dec 31, 2022 9:57 PM

((((HUGS)))) Oh, Khaos, I am so sorry.

LEAcres · Dec 31, 2022 10:40 PM

Thank you everyone... It's been one foot in front of the other... My heart still hurts though.
Its been a hard few months with not being able to call my aunt and have her answer... Maybe she was conditioning me for a life without her... I'll unfortunately never know. I go for my tattoo with my mother on the 7th memorializing both my aunt and my grandmother.. my aunt always loved the "I want a hippopotamus for christmas" song so I'm going to get a hippo with poinsettia around it and a monarch butterfly for my grandmother.. I'll post a picture after it's done.

My grandfather isn't doing well with the news.. in almost 33 years of life, I've never seen him cry. Yet the moment my mom and aunt told him my grandmother came and got my aunt on Monday morning, I watched any will to live he had left leave his body.
He won't let me go see him, he got pretty mean with my dad the other day and my mom said he just sits in his chair and stairs out the window...

I'm truly hoping we can all find peace this year, especially my grandfather more than anyone...

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