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Treble · Apr 22, 2024 5:49 PM

I have told myself everything I can think of, but I still low key want to get back together with my ex. I have seen him at monthly game nights for singles, and we have shared good words, but no lengthy one-on-one conversations like we used to. Hearing him talk about nerd stuff turns on a tap, and I want to ask him about his projects. He got me interested even more in the back end of tech, and I switched to Linux this past summer, in large part due to his influence. He said that he thought that we were too similar to be compatible, which I thought and still think is nonsense. I thought that as fellow musically adept nerds with weird thought processes we were uniquely equipped to support and understand each other, two peas in a pod. Everyone who saw us together thought the same; older sister said that some people had suggested the pairing to her in prior years. Even before we dated I eyed him in the idle way that sometimes happens. In addition, we got along with each other's families; his dad has been my choir director for years. I have read repeatedly that autistic men have often been discarded by neurotypical women as "too weird" after a while, and I confess to holding on to that thought.

There is a complicating factor. I have been talking with and occasionally going out with another guy since late November. I thought I had waited long enough to take another look around, and I was truly interested at the beginning. Now I think I'm experiencing what my ex did with dwindling interest in my partner. I don't know if it's a fear of getting hurt again or the novelty wearing off, but there is some block there. It's long distance, so we meet in person only sporadically and try to fill the gaps with letters. I was acquaintances with my ex before dating, but it's from scratch with this new guy. In some ways, I think I have more shared interests with my ex, as well as a more similar background. When I had been going out with my ex for this length of time, my interest was, in hindsight, love, but I was not quite aware of it, due to weird emotional stuff in me. Now, it's more of okay, he's nice, but I'm not sure.

I'm trying to enjoy the time together and know momentary feelings are not always a good long-term guide, but I was also not interested in dating my ex at first but then grew to love him and look forward to being with him. New guy is very much into me, and I would feel bad if I broke his heart, but I'm not sure if fake it til you make it is a good guide here.

annismyrph · Apr 22, 2024 6:00 PM

From an older woman ( Probably old enough to be your mom ) I ve been through stuff like this many times... its always easier to look back and think ; maybe this time it will work... then look forward and not see them any more ; you wont be able to emotionally heal from your past relationship if you continue to see him. at least for a while ( think a year not a month ). Once you can look back fondly and say yes i loved him once but not any more, its OK to pull out the freind card. But not until then. Give yourself a break, and learn to love yourself without him, I would be honest with the other guy and say I dont want to hurt you but I am confused right now. Don't drag it on with him as that isnt fair to either of you. If he still wants to maintain contact and be with you GREAT! If not its better before you are hurt yet another time.

Fiddler · Apr 23, 2024 4:11 PM

You can change your behavior, but you can't change your emotions. We like to think that we are rational sensible creatures but we are just not. Own your feelings even if you don't like them, and you'll feel better.
There's nothing wrong with you

Victory5627 · Jun 27, 2024 10:03 PM

I was in a relationship from the time I was 16 until 25 when he broke my heart. It didn’t matter why he said he didn’t want to be together, I could argue it no matter what. But at the end of the day it didn’t matter, he just didn’t want to be with me. It took me a very long time to get over it because I refused to move on and let go. (I was 100% the crazy ex girlfriend lol) Life is better on the other side, eventually. Agree with being honest with new guy. Keep it casual, but be prepared that may not be what he wants.

Treble · Aug 21, 2024 7:19 PM

I still need advice. I am trying to let go of feelings for my ex, but they won't go away, and I miss him and his family. He has come to a number of game nights put on for singles. I was at a music night (yay, recorder!) a month or so ago, and he showed up and seemed to have a good time. I asked him about his motorcycle afterward. I have been trying to practice being good to my current man, but I am not in love with him and do not feel the spirit kindredship I felt with my ex (maybe my ex felt a spirit Westermarck Effect. Ugh). He will be staying on my parents' sleeper couch on Friday night, and we will do stuff on Saturday as well. Right now, I feel like I can offer only a relationship of convenience to him, and I don't know if that will ever change.

I am considering taking a break at least, but there doesn't seem to be a good point. One of his friends died unexpectedly, his job is in no little turmoil, and his birthday is coming up in about a week.
Two of my sisters have met him and think he's great. I can often corral and direct emotions, but they are slippery little fellows in this case. I don't know what I'm doing wrong when he's doing everything right.

Ammit · Aug 21, 2024 8:09 PM

Often when we can't let go of a toxic relationship it is because there is something in our past that we are trying to heal. It's not the person we really want it's the soothing of some deep pain or affirmation we did not get in our youth that we really are seeking. Healthy relationships don't trigger that trauma so they don't scratch the psychological need we are trying to heal.

I would look inward and see if you can figure out why it is so important to you that this specific person loves you.

annismyrph · Aug 22, 2024 4:02 AM

@Treble, its not fair to either of you to have a "relationship of convenience". Please tell him, its better to hurt him a little now instead of a Lot later.. also its better for you as well.. you might need to be alone for a bit and work on yourself and your feelings with your ex, than continue a relationship you dont really "feel". AM very sorry you are going through this turmoil, but as Ammit said its happening for a reason.

CheshireFarms · Aug 22, 2024 10:39 AM

You can not be in a romantic relationship with someone and still be their friend. If you don't feel romantic love for someone or see a future for you two, then I would end it and just explain it that way. The grief of their loss, their birthday coming up, ect, aren't reasons for you to stay in a romantic relationship with them. But you can still be a supportive friend.

Treble · Aug 26, 2024 6:23 PM

Relationships that did not involve my immediate family have always been difficult for me, as I in some ways don't fit mainstream culture. Should I be using mainstream culture as a guide then? I don't always know my emotions, so some techniques don't seem to work as well on me. My relationship with my ex was not toxic; there were no arguments or abuse, everyone who knew we were together thought it was great, and we spent a lot of good time together. The breakup just seemed to drop from the sky when I was beginning to write his presence into my long-term future, and how he was treating and including me pointed in that direction. I truly thought the two of us could be happily married. I feel as if I used up everything I had with my ex.

For what it's worth, my sisters think I am not giving him a fair chance. I want to, but I don't know what that involves, as my brain does not want to turn off and enjoy moments. With social stuff, I need things explicitly stated, as I have never been one to read between lines.

annismyrph · Aug 27, 2024 5:43 AM

"Mainstream culture" or not, you need to work on healing yourself before you can be what you need/want with your partner.. I know this is something you probably dont want to hear, but if you can't give 100% of yourself to your partner, you need to slow down and take a step back, becuase it is not fair to either of you to only give a part of yourself when your partner is all in. You ll end up hurting someone you care about and also hurting yourself more as well. You need to take some time to be alone, and get to a happy place, then look for someone to share it with, be it your ex or a new person. If you dont take the time to heal alone, you ll never be able to be fully open to a journey with another.

CheshireFarms · Aug 27, 2024 8:53 AM

Not sure what you mean by "mainstream culture". You came on a horse game and asked for relationship advice. Many people on here have given you sound advice, but based on your counter responses it seems like this isn't the advice you want to hear.

WhiteValley · Aug 28, 2024 6:32 AM

Advice - an opinion that someone offers you about what you should do or how you should act in a particular situation [Cambridge Dictionary definition]

Several people have offered their opinions, Treble can choose which opinions to take on board and which to reject.

Treble - I don't know whether you are neuro-diverse or not, but coping with our emotions is something that we all struggle with at different times in our lives. If you are 'in a different box', as my autistic daughter puts it, then you are going to struggle more than most. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you, or give you some sage words of wisdom, but I can't. I just hope that you are able to work through this and come out the other side OK. I send you my best wishes instead.

RKO · Mar 8, 2025 5:51 PM

Listen to your heart and do what is right for you.

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